As a couples therapist, one of the most transformative insights I offer clients is helping them understand why they love the way they do. Often, the answer lies in attachment styles—patterns we develop early in life that profoundly influence how we connect with romantic partners.

Attachment theory, first developed by psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that the emotional bond formed with our earliest caregivers sets the blueprint for how we relate to others in adulthood. Before I explain how attachment styles impact your relationships, I want you to understand that I don't want you to necessarily use this as another label for your identity. This is just another tool to help you understand how you may be presenting yourself in your relationships. As a marriage and family therapist, I must highlight patterns not conducive to a healthy and vulnerable environment for a relationship to prosper. Attachment styles provide a framework for understanding how we develop healthy or unhealthy patterns. If we know the origin, we can work through unhealthy patterns and give more grace to our partners who present with more challenging symptoms.

Attachment Styles

There are four primary attachment styles: Secure, Anxious-Preoccupied, Dismissive-Avoidant, and Fearful-Avoidant.

Secure Attachment

Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to feel comfortable with both intimacy and autonomy. They trust their partners, communicate openly, and set healthy boundaries. In couples therapy, I often see secure individuals acting as emotional anchors in the relationship. Securely attached individuals exhibit healthy relationship behaviors, such as communicating openly and respectfully, and have the ability to self-regulate their own nervous system when they are upset, as well as leaning into their partner to help co-regulate. These individuals demonstrate appropriate vulnerability. This means they can express their own feelings while giving others the space to share theirs as well. They understand proper boundaries and how to handle respectful conflict. Respectful conflict is managed in a manner that facilitates effective problem-solving and resolution.

Their parents were present and emotionally attuned to them, and they modeled what it looks like to help co-regulate in a relationship. The parents provided good emotional support but eventually backed off as their kids got older, allowing them to self-regulate.

Anxious Preoccupied

Anxiously attached individuals crave connection but often fear abandonment. They may become overly preoccupied with the relationship and seek constant reassurance. In therapy, this might show up as

intense worry about the partner's love or commitment, difficulty being alone, and heightened emotional responses to perceived rejection. These individuals can appear needy and push people away, which reinforces their biggest fear: not being worthy of love. People who align with anxious attachment usually develop in early childhood from their primary caregivers. Their primary caregivers or parents may have been inconsistent, unpredictable, or emotionally unreliable in attending to their children's needs. This can actually be from one or both parents. At times, the caregiver can be responsive and loving. While other times, they can be distant, unavailable, and distracted. This combination causes a child to doubt whether their needs will be met, and in turn creates anxiety and hypervigilance.

Dismissive Avoidant

Avoidantly attached partners value independence to the point of emotional distance. They might struggle with vulnerability and see intimacy as a threat to their autonomy. Typical behaviors include shutting down during conflict and prioritizing self-reliance. They grew up in emotionally neglectful environments. This environment led them to mistrust their own emotions and devalue those of others. When that dynamic is played out, it creates a hyperfocus on self, and they become fearful of actual vulnerability. They can show up strong at the beginning of a relationship, but the moment their partner desires emotional intimacy, they can pull away firmly. Space feels safer to these individuals.

Fearful-Avoidant

This style is a mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies. Individuals with disorganized attachment often desire love but fear being hurt, which can lead to chaotic and unpredictable relationship patterns. In couples therapy, I notice push-pull dynamics and difficulty trusting their partners. Trauma often underlies these behaviors. Fearful-avoidant individuals are created when there is at least one dysfunctional parent in childhood with a mix of trauma. The trauma can come from a parent/caregiver or potentially someone close to the family. When it comes from someone close to the family, it can create a thought that the parent/caregiver did not protect them from the traumatic event. (i.e., emotional, physical, sexual abuse). In my experience working with individuals who are fearful-avoidant, I have noticed trauma themes of them growing up in households that include high-conflict marriages, intense divorces, parents with substance abuse disorders, and parents with mental illnesses (often undiagnosed). These individuals grew up in environments where they could not trust their primary caregivers, which created a sense of distrust towards anyone else. This makes them question their own romantic partners' behaviors/intentions, because they expect to be let down. If you can't trust your own parents, how can you trust your partner? They are continuously expecting their partner to let them down and reinforce their betrayal wound.

Why Attachment Styles Matter in Relationships

Understanding your attachment style—and your partner's—can be a powerful key to improving your relationship. It helps partners empathize with each other, reduce blame, and work toward secure attachment together. I have seen it bring more compassion in understanding how your partner responds during conflicts.

How Therapy Can Help

In couples therapy, we work to identify each partner's attachment patterns and explore the early experiences that have shaped them. We develop tools for healthier communication and emotional safety. Healing is possible. Even if you didn't start with a secure attachment style, you can earn one through self-awareness, emotional work, and safe, connected relationships.

Understanding Attachment Styles in Relationships — A Couple's Therapist's Perspective